Yeah, wear those clothes

Honey, you look SO much sexier
in this

Is it dangerous for a woman to wear party clothes on a bus at night?

My friend's boyfriend doesn't want her riding city transit in going-out clothes. Is he abusive and controlling? Or just protective?

By Cary Tennis


Nov. 9, 2006 | Dear Cary,

Once when my friend and I were making plans to go out, she stated, as if it ended the discussion, that her boyfriend didn't "want her taking public transportation in going-out (i.e. revealing) clothes." This troubled me because it seems like the kind of controlling behavior that can lead to abuse. I also take issue with her boyfriend's apparent belief that women dressed in revealing clothes invite attack. (I don't know that anything other than stigma supports that belief.) We were planning to take the bus around 9 at night and return in a cab. It's not a trip I would think much more than once about making even alone.

My friend was in an emotionally abusive relationship for some years prior to this one. While I want to believe that she is now fully aware of and in power over her life, I know that the risk of repeating destructive patterns is great. But who knows? Maybe my friend just didn't want to take the bus. Maybe I'm inflating the issue because I think her boyfriend is boring and not good enough for her. He also grew up in a country where women daily risk violence for wearing things far less revealing than our nightlife attire. (Does that mitigate the situation, or worsen it? Or am I racist/colonialist for attempting to judge the practices and attitudes of one culture by the standards of another?)

But those were not my questions for you. I'm just wondering.

Colonialism Is Just a Bus Ride Away